COLLEGE
Well, it should really come as no surprise that it's been so long since I last updated this. I'd love to give a lengthy explanation about how I've been busy busy busy and completely unable to find the time to pound out a few lines for this interweb publication. But the truth is, I am horribly, horribly lazy. There, that's the truth. I'm a very poorly motivated individual and the fact that I get anything done at all is nothing short of a miracle. That being said, I'm here now and with the trivialities done with, let's move on to the main event.
The topic of this entry, as so aptly suggested by the only-slightly-less-than-completely obvious title, is college. Now why on earth would a second semester senior be thinking about college? Well, actually, not for the reasons you would think.
Beyond the anxious excitement coursing through my veins at the thought of attending SFSU, and the constant doubts that have picked at the back of my mind since the fifth grade— is the inherent desire to not know my future.
Sounds silly right? Not to me.
For weeks now, I've listened to my friends discussing how they are going to attend big fancy colleges on fabulous scholarships. They have roads paved with dreams stretching out all around them, and I feel like my roads are just a tad more dim. The colors are more flushed, the lines more rigged, and while I'm excited to see where my adventures take me, a very large part of me isn't ready to leave and accept that I really always was less talented than them after all.
There are days when I feel like crying, but I smile instead. I'm proud of my friends, but I've always felt deep down that I was never good enough for them. They are each so richly talented and intelligent, while I barely scrape by. I have one friend attending Stanford on partial tuition, another is attending UC Berkeley on a full merit scholarship, another is off to UCSB on full tuition, and another is on her way to the University of Philadelphia on Art scholarships.
But I'm still here. I'm not even allowed to move out of the house because my parents are paying my tuition, but can't afford housing— not that they would pay it if they could. And what can I do about it? Loans are impossible to receive in this crap economy, I can't find a job for the life of me, and I have no where to go. I can't move out until I have somewhere to go, and I can't have a place to go until I get taken off my parent's taxes and seek financial aid as an individual. Even then I have no credit to speak of for any damn student loans they possibly WOULD give be. Catch 22 at its finest.
A part of me is just so angry. I look at all my accomplishments— 4 straight years of Department awards in English, 7 straight years of Honor Roll, National Hispanic Scholar, AP Scholar, A-B Student, 3.9 GPA— and they're all meaningless! I can't seem to land a merit scholarship to save my life, and my father's income is far too high to receive need-based aid.
I feel like I'm not even going to college at all. I'm just advancing another year in school. Nothing else has really changed, I just gained an hour commute in the process.
I hate it.
I loathe it.
And I barely sleep any more because of it.
I love San Francisco to the very depth of my soul. The city itself has appealed to me since I was too young to remember anything more than the sounds and smells. I love the way to bridges light up at night, I love the ocean and the fog, I love the gum on the sidewalks, I love the skateboarders and bladers near the piers, I love the secret hidden places of Golden Gate Parl, I love the heart-thumping life of the city— but I want to be there.
For now I'm stuck, still just a trapped little caged bird, while everyone else gets to grow up and be free. And it hurts so much. Looking at my tattoo makes my feel guilty and ashamed of my choices and actions. The choice to stay, the act of not fighting. The things I've seen, the things I've done, I know I've matured years beyond many of the people I see waving their scholarship letters around declaring their intent to enroll, but I'll still be here when they are gone.
It hurts. I don't sleep anymore. My thoughts aren't safe.
I know I'm doing the smart thing. The mature thing. But I wish I was brave enough to throw caution to the wind and fall on my ass anyway. I'm going to get my degree though. That's what matters right? Sure, I've been counting down the very hours until I can escape this hell hole to the promised 'college life' since I was twelve years old, but I'm tough, I can survive the next year or two.
Who needs sleep anyway? And I've lived long enough in pain to know it only hurts as much as you let it. So I'll just steel myself back up and do what I'm good at— persevering.
2 comments:
Well you randomly comment on my posts so here we go with my delayed replies
With the first half, well It's like they say. "Ignorance is Bliss"
and it is very depressing.
Yes people should be happy for their friends who can achieve the difficulty of getting to that certain college
But deep inside, your a bit jealous and forced to look at yourself and compare yourself to the glorious almost fully paid UC life of your friends. Kinda makes you feel a bit pathetic. A "Why can't I be like them?" feeling.
Well me at least.
But just because a person goes to some UC or whatever doesn't mean you can't be someone who emerges out even greater from a CSU
Sure jobs are going to look at what schools you go to
But what they really care about is that passion you have for the career of your choice.
I really hope A person like myself could even look at those accomplishments. You can achieve beyond the average student. (While not a good thing) you can even brag about that stuff.
Me however tries hard to keep onto that 3.0 Gpa and have my parents constantly pestering me on how because of my freshmen and sophomore year, "I won't even make it to San Jose State" the supposed safe school. Of course doom and gloom isn't much my type so I just try to smile and hope those feelings of depression eventually fades away.
And every senior wishes that wish of freedom. A place away from home, a brand new life. It's a sort of pride people go through I guess. It just hurts like an ass when you just happen to overhear things like " Yeah the rent is alright, I'll be moving over there a while after High school" or how you hear people just moving all over the state, country, or even the world while having most of it paid.
Forgive me if most of this is really depressing. It's just that to a lot of this I can relate to, I can feel the pain radiating from this entry. I'm not very good at advice and I usually end up depressing who I try to help even more :/
But I hope that whatever feelings of negativity you have soon fade away
And that despite the friends who are going to grand UC schools, that you can enjoy SFSU as much as possible
Good Day and Good night
That last paragraph, you sound like you might make a good marine! (Seriously, there's more to military service than killing people).
And I keep telling people that I think qualifications are overrated anyway. I have qualifications I have never used, and have added more for almost every job I ever did, only to have the next employer disregard them as irrelevant and useless to the work I would be doing.
But education is the lamp that lights parts of the world you never imagined might exist; don't give up learning (You don't sound as if that is likely anyway), there are things to be learned every day, every where and as you see more of the big picture, you will be able to fit more pieces together to see more ...
Chin up Jumbuk!
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