the wanderings of a true insanatee

Finals

2009-12-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

Greetings ladies and gentleman, please pardon the lack of posts lately. I seem to have lost track of much of my surrounding reality as I scrambled to raise my scores before the end of the term. It is a familiar story: First time freshman going along blindly, not always completing assignments and assuming that everything will work out in the end, only to realize there are 3 weeks left in the semester and their grade is wavering somewhere between a C and a D. In any case, I have managed to pull it mostly together, but I'm still rather busy with work, school, and planning for the move. Updates on life shall be coming after the 21st!

Introspection

2009-11-14T10:40:00.001-08:00

Today I sat down and wondered about why I'm alive. Nothing too complicated, not the meaning of life, or why humans don't have telekinesis, just why I can breath and think and speak and exist. What does that mean to me? What can I do with it?

I've come to the same conclusion I always do— I haven't a bloody clue. But thinking about it always makes me, at the very least, content in the knowledge that I do exist, and therefore have plenty of time to find the purpose of said existence.

My father and I had a very civil conversation the other night on the subject of my independence. I was pleasantly surprised by how well the discussion went actually. I expected a great deal more volume. As it was, I really have to respect what both my parents have told me in response to my decision. From my mother, "You need to grow up and learn to make sacrifices," and from my father, "I support you but want you to be making decisions based off your values. Not mine, not your mother's, not your friends'— yours." Ah, I suppose I should explain the decision shouldn't I? Silly me, always telling stories backwards.

I've decided to move out, most probably in February of 2010. I have also decided to transfer from SFSU next fall, to a private college most probably on the East Coast. Surprised? I hope not. If you know me at all you'll know that I've never been content to stagnate in the same place I've lived for the past 18 (nearly 19) years. And finally plans are in motion.

I'd write more explanation, but to be honest I don't have much more to say on the topic that could be coherently presented. I also have a research paper to write. So for now I'll bid this post adieu, and return to share more later.

Girl, Interrupted

2009-10-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

This week I've been doing a lot of thinking about growing up. About where I am now, and where I want to be. And gradually it's occurring to me...

I have no idea.

shiver

2009-10-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am officially still not used to being cold. 18 years and I barely so much as twitch at a draft and now I go into full on convulsions at the slightest chill. It's ridiculous! Today I'm wearing knit tights, knee highs, jeans, a tank top, a long-sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, and a giant sweatshirt— AND I'M STILL FREEZING x_x

On a happier note, I got to school early so I had time to relax for a little bit. That's always nice.

Finding me | em gnisoL

2009-10-07T14:16:00.001-07:00

It has been a considerable while since I last opened this page and started tapping away at my keys, hoping something coherent would form from the tumultuous thoughts and feelings I having rolling about inside my head. Upon first returning to blogger I scanned the multitude of unfinished posts I began and left with no conclusion during the course of the summer. I have always found it rather difficult to admit my feelings even to myself, so it should really come as no surprise that putting them down on paper— or at the very least the digital equivalent— is proving twice as trying.

During the past four months I have regularly stayed out past 3am, won and lost at poker, walked on the beach in the pitch black of the early morning, smoked and drank, made new friends, been labeled a flirt, earned my driver's license, grown out my hair, started college with 15 units, been lost in Downtown San Francisco in the middle of the night, come to terms with being a point of stability, thrown myself into a world of fantasy, plotted and planned, sketched until my hands fell off at the wrists, rediscovered anxiety attacks and nerve problems, missed my sisters, entered the retail workforce, and actually trusted someone enough to let them have a real piece of my heart.

Just four months. A quarter of a year. But it feels like forever ago that I graduated.

Right now my mind is a whirlwind of confusion. It has always been difficult for me to come to terms with my emotions. If you have ever tried to hold my in place during a breakdown as my desperately flighty ways tried to convince me that I would be fine if I could only run and run and not look back— you know where my headspace is currently located. Houdini has nothing on my escapist ways. It has taken me over eighteen years to accept that I lie to myself to keep from getting hurt. I convince myself that I would never be able to lose weight even if I did excercise and eat properly. I define sex as an interaction between bodies and nothing more. I tell myself I would surely cheat if I ever tried to maintain a monogamous relationship. I never try to be better than I currently I am, because I know I will never live up to the goals I set.

All of it is just a series of meaningless delusions piled one on top of the other. Ridiculous.

Talking to Emily and Jess has always made it better, but remembering a discussion I had with Jessi about her roommate still being almost completely reliant on her mother, I have realized that I am no where near as emotionally independent as I though I was. I still rely so much on Em and Jess to keep me sane. On all of my friends that I have any real degree of trust in. But if I never learn how to deal with my own problems— mental, emotional, and physical— how can I ever plan to become a functional member of the universe?

I do not know what I am going to do, or what it will take to make me feel more confident in my own person. But I guarantee you, I plan to find out.

COLLEGE

2009-04-20T20:38:00.001-07:00

Well, it should really come as no surprise that it's been so long since I last updated this. I'd love to give a lengthy explanation about how I've been busy busy busy and completely unable to find the time to pound out a few lines for this interweb publication. But the truth is, I am horribly, horribly lazy. There, that's the truth. I'm a very poorly motivated individual and the fact that I get anything done at all is nothing short of a miracle. That being said, I'm here now and with the trivialities done with, let's move on to the main event.

The topic of this entry, as so aptly suggested by the only-slightly-less-than-completely obvious title, is college. Now why on earth would a second semester senior be thinking about college? Well, actually, not for the reasons you would think.

Beyond the anxious excitement coursing through my veins at the thought of attending SFSU, and the constant doubts that have picked at the back of my mind since the fifth grade— is the inherent desire to not know my future.

Sounds silly right? Not to me.

For weeks now, I've listened to my friends discussing how they are going to attend big fancy colleges on fabulous scholarships. They have roads paved with dreams stretching out all around them, and I feel like my roads are just a tad more dim. The colors are more flushed, the lines more rigged, and while I'm excited to see where my adventures take me, a very large part of me isn't ready to leave and accept that I really always was less talented than them after all.

There are days when I feel like crying, but I smile instead. I'm proud of my friends, but I've always felt deep down that I was never good enough for them. They are each so richly talented and intelligent, while I barely scrape by. I have one friend attending Stanford on partial tuition, another is attending UC Berkeley on a full merit scholarship, another is off to UCSB on full tuition, and another is on her way to the University of Philadelphia on Art scholarships.

But I'm still here. I'm not even allowed to move out of the house because my parents are paying my tuition, but can't afford housing— not that they would pay it if they could. And what can I do about it? Loans are impossible to receive in this crap economy, I can't find a job for the life of me, and I have no where to go. I can't move out until I have somewhere to go, and I can't have a place to go until I get taken off my parent's taxes and seek financial aid as an individual. Even then I have no credit to speak of for any damn student loans they possibly WOULD give be. Catch 22 at its finest.

A part of me is just so angry. I look at all my accomplishments— 4 straight years of Department awards in English, 7 straight years of Honor Roll, National Hispanic Scholar, AP Scholar, A-B Student, 3.9 GPA— and they're all meaningless! I can't seem to land a merit scholarship to save my life, and my father's income is far too high to receive need-based aid.

I feel like I'm not even going to college at all. I'm just advancing another year in school. Nothing else has really changed, I just gained an hour commute in the process.

I hate it.

I loathe it.

And I barely sleep any more because of it.

I love San Francisco to the very depth of my soul. The city itself has appealed to me since I was too young to remember anything more than the sounds and smells. I love the way to bridges light up at night, I love the ocean and the fog, I love the gum on the sidewalks, I love the skateboarders and bladers near the piers, I love the secret hidden places of Golden Gate Parl, I love the heart-thumping life of the city— but I want to be there.

For now I'm stuck, still just a trapped little caged bird, while everyone else gets to grow up and be free. And it hurts so much. Looking at my tattoo makes my feel guilty and ashamed of my choices and actions. The choice to stay, the act of not fighting. The things I've seen, the things I've done, I know I've matured years beyond many of the people I see waving their scholarship letters around declaring their intent to enroll, but I'll still be here when they are gone.

It hurts. I don't sleep anymore. My thoughts aren't safe.

I know I'm doing the smart thing. The mature thing. But I wish I was brave enough to throw caution to the wind and fall on my ass anyway. I'm going to get my degree though. That's what matters right? Sure, I've been counting down the very hours until I can escape this hell hole to the promised 'college life' since I was twelve years old, but I'm tough, I can survive the next year or two.

Who needs sleep anyway? And I've lived long enough in pain to know it only hurts as much as you let it. So I'll just steel myself back up and do what I'm good at— persevering.

self-imposed limitations

2009-01-23T21:40:00.000-08:00

Blah.

So, it occurred to me today how often I am cowed by my parents decisions and expectations. For some reason that really bothered me. Here is the context: Chau wanted to hang out today and instead of reacting enthusiastically and promising to run things by my parental units, I automatically began doubting a positive reaction from the folks and made excuses.

"Sorry, I've been out a lot recently."
"Really, where?"
"Just, out. Like, with Brian and Jessi, and then I spent the evening at Em's, and went to Goodwill during finals."

Even I can recognize those excuses as ridiculously lame. But beyond that, it really bothers me when my friends don't even bother asking their parents if they can go somewhere or do something simply because they assume the answer will be no. Especially when I force them to ask and the answer ends up being yes. So, why do I consistently look towards excuses instead of facing my parents. What's the worst they can do to me, say no?

That may just be it though. They say no so often after I've been out "a lot"– for whatever reason– that it's become a reflex to automatically say no to anyone who asks me to hang out instead to bothering to ask my mum. The typical reactions is somewhere between "I'm not taking you all over the place" and "You should stay home and help out around here." But the point is, they're not always negative answers.

Oy vey.

I really need to get a car. Or fix my bike.

second semester senior

2009-01-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

Ah finals, how I do not miss thee. This was officially my last week of finals. You can now proceed with the dancing in circles and cheering. There, done now? Good. Here's a bit of recap before I get to that tattoo story I promised and update my resolutions tracking.

My first final of the week was Mr. Melligan's AP US Government exam. I must first note that I have had this class during first period for the past semester and that my brain doesn't work all that well at 7:30am. Let's just say I was awake, but most of the information went in one ear and out the other. Naturally, I didn't learn much, which is horrible because I actually enjoy learning about government. The night before the test I realized I had two options: 1. Study like hell and try to actually learn the subject matter before attempting the test, or 2. Study lightly, hope for at least a passing grade on the test, and kick myself in the ass during AP Econ. I chose option two and bombed the final. Luckily I did just discover that I had been going in to the final with a B+ and not the C- I was expecting, so we'll see how everything turns out.

My fourth and fifth period finals were uneventful. Ms. Owen's AP Literature test was actually rather fun, which balanced out Ms. Turner's heinously dull AP Studio Art final, which included doing a minor presentation on an artist after reading about said artist fro a book and doing a misleading worksheet. I did manage to get my entire breadth portfolio turned in on time though, so in all it wasn't a bad day. The sixth and seventh period finals the next day were equally simple. Mr. Raffetto's Intro to Business exam literally cut and paste questions from our tests from over the semester, so that wasn't hard to pass at all. And Ms. Hall's Journalism midterm was actually run by myself and the other two senior editors, so that was ridiculously easy. We had everyone split in to groups and create fund raising ideas since we've pretty much hit bottom monetarily. Then we brainstormed for the upcoming issue for the remainder of the period. Ms. Duffy's AVID Seminar midterm on the final day of finals was simple as always, and Tamaki sensei's midterm really wasn't as hard as everyone suggested it was.

In all, the exams ended up not really stressing me out much at all, which was nice. But the greatest thing about this week was all the time I got to spend with friends. After finals on Wednesday, I biked over to the local Goodwill and made out like a bandit with stuff for steampunking. Em and Jessi joined me and we ended up hanging out afterward for a good half hour in the parking lot. Of course, when I went to bike home I discovered that I had picked up some dreaded goat's heads and now have to pay for a repair kit, but the day itself wasn't that bad. Even the discovery ended up being fine because it meant Em had to drive my bike home in her station wagon and I got to drink her iced coffee while my mum drove me home instead of walking. I then spent Thursday afternoon at Em's baking meringues, reading comics, listening to Taylor Swift and vaguely studying Japanese. And on Friday I had my senior superlative picture for Most Likely to Succeed followed by anime club and frozen yogurt with Julie. In all, this was a pretty fantastic week.

Alright, and now to what you've all been waiting for, or at least I hope so— the tattoo story. So last Sunday, a full week ago as of tomorrow, I drove up to San Francisco with my mum for a tattoo consultation at the Black and Blue Tatto. I've been planning the design for approximately eight years, but on the morning I was supposed to drive up to actually have my artist check it out, I could not find it anywhere. It had already been a hectic morning with me trying to get some workout time in despite the near-freezing temperatures, followed by a visit from my aunt, uncle, and younger cousin that seemed impromptu to me but had apparently been planned all week. After they left, I went to go get ready and find my tattoo design, and alas it was no where to be found. After scouring my room, I decided to grab an unfinished art piece that I had used the design in, flipped on the ol' lightbox and quickly transferred the design over. I was able to make it perfect just in time before my other aunt and uncle, this time the ones visiting from Santa Barbara, showed up.

As a side note, I decided to steampunk myself up a bit more than usual and my uncle spotted the goggles when I came downstairs and nearly went in to a fit of shock. The scene went something along the lines of:

Uncle Alan: (points to a pair of goggles gracing his niece's head) Are those... goggles? Are you in to steampunk?!
Geneva: (nods rapidly and grins) Yeah, I have been for a while now.
Uncle Alan: (smiles widely and hugs niece) I have to email you more often about everything I know about steampunk. Did you go to the convention in San Jose?
Geneva: Mhmm.
Uncle Alan: I almost went!

It was amusing, and one of the first times I would have ever classified my uncle as "cute." He was very excited though and it amused myself and my parents greatly. Now back to the story.

Midway through their visit I had to dash off with mum to the tattoo parlor and after a long journey involving taking side streets to avoid a car crash-related traffic jam on the 101 and turning the wrong way a few times, we finally made it. I went in by myself while mum went to find parking, and instantly I realized I had no idea where I was supposed to go. The front waiting room had a rather large black leather couch, but I didn't sit. Instead I watched as the shop owner chatted with a few customers and pet the small dog the couple had with them. After Idexa moved though, I was able to notice a small counter towards the back of the room, where I went and asked for Clio.

Clio Sady is the artist who I knew I had to get for my tattoo. I'd absolutely loved her portfolio on the site and she had sounded crazy enthusiastic on the phone, so I was beyond excited to actually meet her. I wasn't disappointed either. We talked for a few minutes about the tattoo design, and then decided that I would come back around five to get it done. Considering that I hadn't been planning on getting the tattoo at all that day, I never really had time to be nervous, and I think that was the best way to do it. My mum and I ended up checking out the San Francisco State campus while we waited from 12:30-ish and then went out to lunch. Clio then called at around 3:00 to say she would be free an hour earlier than she expected, so we finished up our food, drove back to San Francisco, and in I went.

The tattoo itself didn't really hurt as bad as I expected it to. The way I've been explaining it to people who ask, is that it's like getting a shot from the doctor— that sharp pinch when the needle first pierces the skin— only repeated again and again and again until it's really more of a burning sensation. It really wasn't that bad at all. Certainly not enjoyable, but nothing that would deter me from getting more work done. While working on the tattoo, Clio, my mum and I chatted about college, my paper on the Social Comparison of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, Transgenders, Pansexuals and all other "Queer Folk" from the Bay Area to Around the World, and life in general. It was a fun, relaxed atmosphere, and I fully intend to return. For anyone else interested in learning more about Black and Blue, visit The Black and Blue Tattoo website
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As to my resolutions, let's just say that haven't been as resolute as I would have hoped. Updates are as followed:
1. Nail nibbling has continued, though I'll admit to not making much of an effort. Today I will make an effort to paint them, that tends to help.
2. This working out thing is just not working out, haha. Finals were my excuse this week, and I will try not to make any excuses at all next week. I have a goal now too, to get back down to between 115 and 120, and be able to run five miles without stopping, see my abs again, and do one pull up. Eating right, working out, here I come.
3. Job search has yielded no results. I'm going to be out searching today though, so hopefully...
4. License, also a bust because I haven't found a job. The agreement is that if I can pay half of the insurance, I can get a license. As for driving practice, I could also have done better.
5. I've pretty much settled on SFSU, now I'm just waiting to here back from everywhere else. I decided not to apply to any private schools though.

And that's about it. There may be a post later, but don't expect one. Until next time!

flight

2009-01-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

My first tattoo has successfully been completed. Well, there are a few touchups to be done after it's healed. But it exists!

Here are a few pictures for now, an official blog post will be following shortly. I just discovered some very disturbing raccoon eyes left behind by my makeup and mean to remedy that before I write. Until then— enjoy!

alala alala [cansei de ser sexy]

2009-01-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

Had to post this video, absolutely beyond creepy, but totally wicked at the same time. I really loved how they used the reverse shots.

The exercising did not go as planned today. First it was ridiculously cold, then I had to clean my room, then I had company, and then I had to head up to SF for my tattoo consultation. (Clio is amazing by the way!) I got a few stretches and about half a set of excersizes in, it was very sad. Thankfully this should turn out to be beneficial. I'll begin Mon, so that I have a Mon, Wed, Fri. schedule this week, then a Sun, Tues, Thurs, Sat schedule the next week, and so on. I'll be able to ease in to it better with only 3 days this week, or so I hope.

Had a very full day of exciting experiences and general randomosity. Unfortunately the civics final studies and ap art portfolio beckon (any guesses as to which seems more attractive?) and I must answer. I may post a new post sometime in the AM if I feel like taking a break. We'll see.

working outTORTURE

2009-01-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

Alright, I may be a bit late in the uptake but I definitely need to get started on resolution numero two. For those who do not know, I was on the track team for 2.5 year and quit last year due to family problems. My physique has gone so far downhill since then that it depresses me. It's not quite horrific yet, but there's definite flab. Let’s just say I’m not a fan of jiggling when I run.

My plan is to basically do my track routine with a few minor alterations to keep it within what I can do right now. I’ve kept vaguely in shape I suppose, but there is definite jiggle that I will eradicate.

Looks like I’ll be starting tomorrow unless I decide to do some crunches and pushups tonight, as it’s getting rather late. Well, wish me luck everyone!

let's hope these remain resolute

2009-01-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Greetings and felicitations! Welcome one and all to the first blog post chronicling the adventures of one master insanatee (insanity+manatee=insanatee). The purpose of the blog is to follow the wild and wanton happenings of my life, allowing my family, friends, and various devoted followers to know just what may be occurring in this strange female's life.

To celebrate this new year, I have decided to reveal my list of resolutions! Which, I must admit, is also less-than-subtle attempt to force myself to actually accomplish them this year.

Cease the nibbling of my nails. This incessant habit of mine shall live no longer! Still working out methods for this one, though painting them has worked for certain periods of time in the past. Feel free to comment with suggestions.
Get back in to shape. I intend to work out five out of the seven days of the week, at the very least. Eating better, sleeping more, and generally taking care of myself shall be included in this goal.
Find a job. Preferably something that actually pays.
Receive my driver's license. Without taking the test more than twice. Once would be preferred actually.
Attend college! At this point I'd really be happy going anywhere that would help me substantially with cost...

There you have it. An addition to this post with content more along the lines of what you will see in this blog in the coming weeks and months may be up later tonight. If not, check in tomorrow.